5 Foundations of Respectful Care™ + taking careof™ children

Respectful Care™ is a unique and distinctive professional approach to human development, education and care throughout the lifespan, and the approach is named after and has as its foundation a specific and unique understanding and definition of five dimensions of “respect”: 

1. Respect for self
2. Respect for parents and other family members involved in the care dynamic
3. Respect for professional colleagues involved in the care dynamic 
4. Respect for authoritative resources such as professional standards and applicable legal regulations
5. Respect for the child or other vulnerable cared-for person

The first four dimensions of respect culminate in and form the resilient foundation for our respect for the person receiving our care. Without the first four dimensions of respect, our professional role is compromised and we cannot enter into a relationship of authentic respect for the child. 

Rooted in the 5 Dimensions of Respect™, in Respectful Care™ we take CAREOF™ others by planning and reflecting on our intentional interactions through the lenses of: 

C = image of the Child

A = image of the Adult

R = Reality check

E = role of the Environment

O = Observation (including perspective and documentation)

F = Funds of knowledge

In the context of caring for infants and children, we can reflect on and ask ourselves questions about our actions (past and future) using these lenses in any order, but a complete reflective or planning experience will include considering all of these ways of thinking about our interactions. 

We can begin with pondering what our words and actions might communicate to the child about our own images of the Child and of the Adult, and with the quick pace of everyday interactions we can also do a Reality check and consider whether it is a suitable moment to try something new or attempt a teachable moment - or if it is doomed to failure by a time crunch, or by the child being already overtired or hungry. 

We can consider all of the facets of the Environment, including not only the physical space but also the socio-emotional context and factors such as timing, order of events, predictable routine, and the physiological state or internal environment underlying each person’s moment-to-moment presence in the scene. 

We can consider if there is anything that we can Observe in order to gather new or more complete information that would be useful in future CAREOF™ reflections, including looking at the situation from the perspectives of all stakeholders and documenting observations (whether formally or in informal notes or tallies). 

Finally, we can consider whether there are any other Funds of knowledge that we can consult that can enrich our understanding in new directions. 

If a three year old child is losing control and yelling and crying and not cooperating with putting on their shoes to get in the car and leave for preschool in the mornings, we can consider first of all what our existing response communicates regarding our beliefs about what it means to be a child and what it means to be an adult. 

Is being unable to control our emotions an expected part of being a young child, or an unexpected part? Is being able to control our emotions an expected part of being an adult, or not? When we have responded in this situation before, were we in a mindframe of accepting that it is a natural and predictable part of the developmental stage of being three years old to sometimes lose control of our bodies and yell and cry and be unable to meet expectations of independent activities like putting on clothing or shoes? Or did we communicate that it is unreasonable for a three year old to be experiencing this type of challenge, and show impatience with their age-appropriate limitations? Were we exhibiting a level of emotional regulation that is commonly expected of adults, or were we losing control of our own emotional state and then expecting the child to regulate on their own?  

Every time we interact with an infant or child, they become aware of beliefs about them that are underlying our what we say and do (and what we do NOT say and do NOT do). We might not be consciously aware of these beliefs while we are acting based on them, but the child on the receiving end is ALWAYS aware of the beliefs we are communicating. If we notice a child quietly struggling to tie their shoes and we go over and reach in and tie the shoes for them, no matter what we are thinking, they receive the message that we believe they are not competent to tie their own shoes. 

If instead we say something like “I see that you are working on tying your shoes and I know that you know how to do that, however we are running late and I want to tie them quickly for you this time so we can leave on time” and then go over and take over the shoe-tying project. In that case the child will not receive the message that you believe they are incompetent, but instead will receive the message that you believe they are competent to tie their shoes, and ALSO that they are competent to hear and understand a calm verbal message and accept an unexpected change of plans even while they are in the middle of a task. 

The child also absorbs messages about what it means to be an adult, which become the bedrock of their beliefs and expectations about how they will act and how they will feel when they are adults. If they experience us being harried and impatient with them, they not only internalize that they are annoying and frustrating to adults, but also that being an adult means being unhappy and grumpy. They will learn that children and adults are frequently disconnected from each other even when they are physically present together, and that when they exhibit their natural and inevitable expression of feeling disconnected (protest, crying etc) then the adult will become even more disconnected from them. 

If instead they perceive us as relatively calm people who are sometimes frustrated by tight schedules or other external realities (ie not frustrated by the child themself), then the child absorbs no negative message about themself and comes to see adults as people who can sometimes feel frustrated by things outside of our control, and remain connected with the child throughout these moments, reassuring them that frustration, annoyance, and even anger are not scary events but simply unpleasant feelings that everyone experiences sometimes. 

Children also watch us and learn how they can respond in those kinds of situations (like when they feel frustrated, annoyed or angry) and they will mimic and repeat the exact behaviours that they see the adults around them doing. If adults remain emotionally regulated in frustrated and angry moments, children will strive to remain emotionally regulated in their frustrated and angry moments. It can be as simple as stating (out loud) “I feel so frustrated, it is time to go and I can’t find my keys! I need them right now and I don’t know where they are.” Hearing this message tells the child that the adult’s frustration has nothing to do with them, and also they learn that when we feel frustrated, we use words to communicate about it to other people. 

Adding an aside such as “We all feel frustrated sometimes, and losing my keys is something that really frustrates me. What is frustrating for you?” invites the child into a dialogue of connection, and turns the interaction into a teaching and learning moment for the child, reinforcing images of the child as competent and empathetic and of the adult as a person who sometimes feels frustrated and can still remain in connection with the child while having the frustrated feelings. We can use this technique (called “narration” or “sportscasting”) to share our inner experience and make it real for the child, thus actively and intentionally guiding their learning about what it means to be a child and to be an adult. They will grow up to live out these expectations, so it is worth our time and energy to be mindful about what they are learning from us. 

In the example of challenging behaviour above, it is important to do a “reality check” and make sure that we are acting in a time and place that is realistically amenable to teaching and learning. If we are in the moment and have less than 2 minutes to get out the door to an important doctor’s appointment, it is not the time to try a new technique because it is highly unlikely to work. We are unlikely to have the focus and attention to even remember what we planned to say or do, and the child is likely feeling harried and therefore is not neurobiologically open to new learning in the moment. 

Instead, we can muddle through as usual and then when we have a calmer moment together - perhaps in the car on the way to the appointment (assuming traffic conditions do not require 100% focus on the road), or while waiting in the doctor’s office (because let’s face it, you will be waiting there whether you arrive early, on time, or late). If we have a long red light or are sitting together in the doctor’s office, we can begin a process of reflection with the child about the experience and begin the shift in our interactions at that time. But there is no advantage to trying to start a process when it cannot be successful, and we can choose our moments accordingly by doing a quick reality check.

In Respectful Care™, the “environment” includes far more than the physical space. It includes the other external aspects of our experience, such as timing and order of events, the social and emotional realities of the relationship(s) both in the moment and over time, the internal realities of our physiological well-being such as feeling hungry or tired, and even factors such as whether an event was anticipated or feels surprising. 

In Respectful Care™ we are conscious of being able to curate many aspects of various environments, and this intentional curation of the environment is the goal of this lens in the CAREOF™ framework. Thus we can reflect on all the aspects of the curated environment during the challenging behaviour above, considering whether we could place the shoes in a different location - perhaps the shoe shelf is in the entryway and is located right in the path of traffic, and therefore sitting there while people walk by them might feel hectic or rushed for the child. If that is the case, then bringing their shoes into another room, where there is a comfortable bench that you can drag out of the way to where they can sit in peace and work on their shoes, might solve the problem by removing a stressor from their experience. 

Perhaps putting on their shoes causes them to sense the disconnection of being separated from you to be at school, and having your hand gently resting on their back while they put on their shoes could provide the interactive regulation they need to get through it calmly. Perhaps the child rushes through breakfast and does not eat enough to have sufficient nutrition on board to maintain emotional regulation, and starting breakfast 10 minutes earlier would provide enough time for them to sit and enjoy their meal instead of rushing. Perhaps the child is behind on sleep and putting them to bed earlier in the evening might give them the rest they need in order to remain calm and focused during the morning routine. Bear in mind that it could also be a combination of these issues, so serving breakfast earlier AND placing your hand on their shoulder might be the winning ticket to getting out the door calmly and peacefully and on time. 

Part of this lens can involve collaborative reflective practice with the child, by asking them in a moment of connection what bothers them about putting their shoes on in the morning, and you might be surprised at the depth of their self-perception. As an added bonus, regardless of their response engaging in this type of dialogue demonstrates to the child that your image of the child includes believing that their perspective is valid and valuable, and that your image of the adult includes valuing the perspectives of children.

In the scenario above, we saw how observing various aspects of the environment could help us make meaningful and effective changes in the environment to support the child’s needs during the morning routine. Observation is a key communication skill, especially when interacting with people whose emotional regulation and verbal expressive skills frequently fall short of the level of articulation needed to proactively ask for what they need (ie infants and children). 

As described above, when we are observing, it is critically important for us to observe from the child’s perspective. When we observe, we tend to look at it from our own perspective, which leaves us at a loss to explain why the child is melting down. The situation does not feel challenging to us, so why are they so upset? However that can be a misleading thought, since we probably would feel VERY uncomfortable if we had to sit down on the floor to put on our shoes in a place where people are walking all around us… so revising our perspective to observe what the child sees, feels and experiences gives the observation validity and increases its accuracy. 

It is also our responsibility to observe from the perspective of all of the people who are stakeholders in the situation. We can always begin by taking an inventory of ourselves and our presence in the caring moment: are we tired? hungry? feeling rushed? If so, what can we change to being ourselves to a place of internal calm where we can be an effective partner in interactive regulation? 

If we are working as a professional caring for other peoples’ children, it is our obligation to also consider the perspective of the parents of the children, in terms of how they have asked us to care for their children and their home. For example, moving furniture around might feel acceptable to some parents, and not for other parents, and it is our job to accommodate those preferences within their own home. Further we can consider the perspectives of other members of the family - perhaps the child has siblings who are also participating in the morning routine and might be affected by the meltdowns and/or any interventions or changes we make in the environment and routine. We can also consider any professional colleagues who might be participating in the child’s care, for example, the child’s preschool teacher who is receiving the child at school in a state of distress and dysregulation after the shoe meltdown each morning. We can also reflect on professional standards related to our care of this child in this situation, and given all of these reflections we can then begin to craft a response to the situation that comes from a deeply-rooted and robust respect for the child. 

Is that sounding familiar? Yes, those are the 5 Dimensions of Respect at work, providing a framework for planning our observations to gather key information before even making any changes. 

In addition to observing from multiple perspectives, it can be helpful to document what we observe. It could be as simple as jotting down on the kitchen wall calendar the time the child starts and finishes eating breakfast, or what time they start putting on their shoes, along with a checkmark if a meltdown occurs, so we can revisit the information when we have a moment a few days later and we can look for patterns that give us clues about where we could make effective changes. It could be taking photos or videos or writing notes or recording voice memos on our phones, or whatever type of documentation is easy and reliable for us in each individual situation. 

When we document our observations, we have that information at our fingertips later, any time we have an opportunity to revisit and reflect on our interactions, and we can be open-minded and creative with many ways of creating documentation using technology both old and new.

We recognize that knowledge and ways of knowing occur in a wide variety of contexts, and that knowledge is fundamentally rooted in its source material. Diverse source materials and diverse contexts then obviously give rise to diverse funds of knowledge and diverse ways of knowing. There are any number of different ways of thinking about the same situation or phenomenon, and we actively embrace new ways of thinking and knowing - and the new funds of knowledge that result - that enrich our understanding and help us bring to life our authentic respect in all five dimensions. 

In the scenario above, several funds of knowledge appear immediately to be relevant. The first is the body of knowledge that is commonly referred to as “developmentally appropriate practice,” which is a useful tool for understanding the event in the context of the child’s age and stage of development .Thus we can situate our response in an accurate image of the three year old child, because otherwise we might be expecting the child to behave in a way that their developing brain and body simply cannot execute yet. 

Another useful fund of knowledge is our personal history with the child and the family. We have experience and perspective that have evolved through our relationship with the child and their family, and we can use that knowledge to sift through our potential interpretations and interventions in order to match better with the child’s unique personal temperament, for example. 

There can also be other funds of knowledge that would be useful in this situation, for example if there is a pattern of meltdowns that do not seem to correlate with what is anticipated based on age and developmental stage, we might want to investigate funds of knowledge related to neurodiversity and the autism spectrum. There also might be cultural funds of knowledge that are important for the family, and we can incorporate those into our thinking process as an expression of our respect for the family’s individuality and autonomy in their collective identity.